Challenges force us to correct, to improve, and to grow. More importantly, they are our Higher Power’s way of directing our attention to areas that require immediate attention. It is like a self-monitoring system that tells when and where we need to change. No matter what that challenge or even devastation is, the outcome can and will always be better, provided we are in the best frame of mind to tackle it.
My daughter is turning 12 and she is starting to challenge me.
She is finishing grade 6 and has to transition to a middle school. There are many options and of course I have a good idea of where I want her to go. She has other ideas and I am perfectly fine with discussing them and even open to a different school based on her input.
However, this was not a logical exchange.
She started with an absurd choice and defended it with outrageous assumptions. No matter how much I tried to listen and debunk her assumptions, she dismissed everything I said without listening and just volleyed back clearly nonsensical arguments.
I began to get upset because it was turning into a needless confrontation, and it kept getting worse until I had no choice but to end it on a sour note.
This was the first time that my little girl confronted me just for the sake of confrontation. Later that evening she started to follow me as if looking for reconciliation, so we had a little talk.
I told her that I was hurt because she did not trust my opinion and was not even listening when all I am thinking of is her wellbeing. Anyway, we both apologized and hugged as I was getting her to sleep.
I would love to say it was a happy ending
But the same thing happened the next day. Her backhanded remarks became more reflexive and unthinking. I got so upset that I accused her of not having any respect for me or my opinion.
This pattern of confrontational challenges, followed by making up, continued. It became harder to dismiss the clashes as a misunderstanding. I remember being very upset, like my world was shaken. My reality was being altered and my serenity threatened.
My close relationship with my daughter is one of the most cherished aspects of my life. I started to become overwhelmed with feelings of loss and facing the fact that her childhood may be coming to a rapid ending.
Even so, I had hoped that as she grew up she would still recognize my unconditional love for her, and trust me for guidance.
These thoughts consumed me over the following few days and I became worried that I was losing my serenity. I could not see an easy answer, nor could I accept this friction.
That is, until I reflected on my writings about how, when bad things happen, there is always a positive side.
The only way forward is to accept the challenges and look for a positive outcome
What became quickly obvious to me is that my daughter’s confrontation is simply her exploration of independence. She is growing, and it is healthy and necessary for her to be able to start reasoning for herself with whatever experience and information she has available.
If she is to become a strong adult, being right or wrong is secondary to her need to start breaking away. It’s time for her to push and explore beyond her present limits. This has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her natural and healthy need to grow.
In short, I started to see the positive. And it outweighs any negativity that I might have felt so far.
That evening while the friction was still palpable between us, I told her that I wanted to say something. She listened apprehensively as I said that even though our arguments had upset me, when I had a chance to think about it, I started to develop a genuine respect for her qualities.
I told her that it’s perfectly healthy for her to challenge my ideas because it’s an important part of growing up. I added that I also admire her strength of character. And that it’s important to her development that she realizes she has a right to disagree and express it, regardless of whether she’s right or wrong. However I also told her that, while I am completely okay with our arguments, it does not change the rules.
What happened next was wonderfully unexpected
She looked like she could not believe what she was hearing, and then she hugged me. She felt her feelings were validated and I loved her the more for it.
That period of confrontation passed and we seemed to enter a new chapter in her development and our relationship. We got a lot closer. And she seemed to feel comfortable because I was not mad at her. And she could tell I didn’t think that she was stubborn or disrespectful, or that her opinion didn’t count.
She is becoming more independent, and I feel that she includes me more than she would have otherwise. She is trusting me more with her thoughts. And where we differ, she accepts my decisions more readily without feeling dismissed or defeated.
It’s interesting and noteworthy to mention that a couple of months later, I was sharing this experience with some friends when my daughter entered the room. She asked what we were talking about and I asked her, “Do you remember the time when I told you that I did not mind our arguments and that I admired your need to disagree?” and she replied, “No”.
I had to laugh because she had no recollection of what I thought was a groundbreaking transition for her.
The bottom line is, parenting IS challenges.
And these challenges were just another brick in my daughter’s development. It’s a good brick, but it’s just one brick, and as a parent I need to continue to add more and more of these positive and grounding experiences as she grows.
The following publications have reprinted this article:
By You Magazine: Be Your Own You
SelfGrowth: The Online Self-Improvement Community
Mom-Spot: The Parenting Resource