I will never forget the day I became sober — January 5, 1989 — I waited to board a plane to a treatment center. I’d started getting high on New Year’s Eve and hadn’t stopped. I had not slept or eaten for five days. I am six feet tall and I weighed 127 pounds. The skin on my shoulder blades was as thin as cigarette paper.

I was frightened, disoriented, and rabid with anger. I had lost everything, including myself. Bankrupt physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I was without hope.

On the airplane, I began to cry uncontrollably. A flight attendant asked me what was wrong. All I could say was, “I lost my daughter.” She left me alone with my grief.

At the rehab center, after two days of detox, my assigned counselor met with me and asked me to tell her my story. My eyes filled with tears. I told the counselor that I had been to five other treatment centers and they had not worked because no one could answer my question – Why had the people closest to me betrayed me?

I guess what I wanted was someone to understand my anguish and validate my misery.

And the counselor listened carefully. But at my first pause, she leaned toward me and said in a solemn voice, “I see tombstones in your eyes.” Just like that, she discarded me and everything I had said. She walked away. That counselor was my last lifeline, and it had just snapped.

The turning point

I am only alive (and sober) today because of the miracle I experienced on my third day in treatment. As I entered my room and walked by the mirror, I glimpsed something I had never seen before. I jumped back to take a second look but it was gone. Gone but not forgotten. It was like the movie The Fly, where the man is lost within the monster.

For a split second, I saw that monster. And at that moment I realized that I was possessed by a demon: addiction.

The tools that I had always relied on, and that had helped me succeed and distinguish myself — intelligence, charisma, loyalty, and determination — became weapons that my addiction was using against me, leaving me with no hope of fighting it on my own. My mind was the enemy.

With this realization, I surrendered completely. I abandoned my old self without any bargaining or even remorse. In fact, I experienced hope for the first time. I awoke to the fact that my salvation was only possible if I allowed others — my counselors — to guide me back to life.

How it works

Everything I had ever known was based on a reality that I now had to abandon completely. Surrender means letting go of everything you believe in. So for me, this meant giving up how I saw myself, my parents, my soul mate, my daughter.  All of my love, memories, ambitions, and hopes, my sense of everything and everyone that I had known and lived for — was gone.

I discovered that almost everything we think we know about our selves and our lives is a fabrication of the mind. The mind continuously distorts our reality to a point where our perceptions are cut off from our true existence. But just like in the movie The Matrix, when Neo woke up and found out he was living an alternate reality, we too have the capacity to wake up.

My discoveries

When I became sober, I learned to trust life even when bad things happen, because there are always good reasons, whether or not I can comprehend them.

And I never lost the unique traits that I had been afraid of losing, such as my personality, sense of humor and passion. In fact, my better qualities became more apparent in the absence of my ego, and without substance use.

Now, I experience more fun and natural highs from intimacy and connection, from the joy of eating and sleeping, feeling healthy, creative and productive. And these are all gifts that are forever there for me to tap into, without any hangover or depletion.

Today I am so blessed

I am completely at peace with my weaknesses, defeats, and blessings. For the most part, I live in the moment where time seems to stand still. My brain is quiet and I am able to savor the minute details of my priceless gifts — my life, health, family, friends, and my freedom. Every day is fresh, exciting, and engaging, with new unexpected opportunities to grow, fall in love, and whatever I desire.

And the incredible irony is that I have experienced far greater success in every facet of my life, even materially, than when I worked tirelessly to achieve success.

What you can do

Over 20 million Americans over the age of 12 have an addiction (excluding tobacco). And overdose deaths have more than tripled in the past 20 years. Every day, hundreds of people die from accidental drug overdoses. 

If you or someone you know is battling addiction or depression, I invite you to find out how I arrested my addiction and found greater happiness. What I experienced and the insights I discovered on my journey are the heart of my book, Higher: Awaken to A More Fulfilling Life, and I am happy to give it away for free to anyone who wants a copy. Just follow this link and request a copy (please include your mailing address and phone number.)

I believe that everyone can, and deserves to be, really happy.